Self Forgiveness

I have three children I care for each day, a spouse, and a full-time job, all of which demand my time. I also have hobbies, passions, and goals outside of these pieces of my life that demand my time, but don’t always get it. Right now, we’re in the middle of a global pandemic, which has resulted in nearly three months of being home with my family every day, 24/7, with no breaks. I am thankfully, still working, and my job is thankfully, very understanding and accommodating to those of us who are caregivers. But, despite all this, it still gets hard. I am human, and as such, sometimes, I lose it. Just like my toddler. Just like my hormonal tween. We all lose it sometimes. And that’s okay.

The other morning, I was tired. I’m always tired, but this particular morning, I was extra tired. I had been on a tight deadline for work, which required me to work late into the evening. My not quite two-year-old woke up multiple times in the night due to his two year molars coming in. I was up in the morning, as usual, trying to feed my little one, get my teenager out of bed, make sure my twelve-year-old was ready for her virtual school classes, get myself fed, and get to my desk on time so I could make my deadlines. Between the eye rolling and under-the-breath mumbling of my twelve-year-old and the incessant screaming of my toddler to give him more cream cheese, I lost it. 

I let out a piercing scream. My startled husband just looked at me. My toddler also looked alarmed momentarily, then continued to cry. I rushed to get the cream cheese and hastily smeared some on his English muffin pieces that sat on the high chair tray, threw the knife down on the table, and plunked down in my chair in front of my plate of food that was now getting cold. 

I was no longer in the mood to eat. But, it was quiet now. The crying stopped. My tween was off on a walk with the dog. My husband just quietly sat with his breakfast, giving me my space to be angry. That was likely a wise decision on his part. And I finally ate my food. 

I realized it had been more than two hours of being awake without food. Between that and the lack of sleep, no wonder I was grumpy. I wondered if the morning grouchiness I had been receiving from my not-quite-teenage daughter was also due to similar circumstances. Not enough sleep. Hormones. Missing friends. Struggling with virtual school. Feelings of frustration being stuck at home. I’m sure we have all been feeling that to some degree.

When she came back from the walk with the dog, I gave my daughter a hug and apologized for snipping back at her when she was grumpy with me. I felt guilty for yelling and scaring my toddler too. I gave him extra snuggles when I was able to. Later, I realized, maybe I also needed to apologize to myself. And forgive myself for the way I behaved. We all lose it sometimes. We try to be compassionate toward others and understand when they lose it sometimes, yet, we still continue to be hard on ourselves for the same. I began to wonder—why?

Sometimes, we lose it. That is okay. What’s important is that we forgive ourselves, act with compassion toward ourselves, and try to do better next time. Forgiveness does not mean excusing poor behavior. Forgiveness means that you understand that things get hard, but that you also believe in that person’s ability to try again and do better. 

We owe it to ourselves to forgive and believe in our ability to improve. But, it is difficult to improve with feelings of negativity and resentment. Resentment and dwelling on mistakes are the things that prevent us from being able to do better. When your mind is trapped in those dark places, it is hard to find a window or a door into a lighter place. That is why forgiveness is so important. Remember the mistakes, but don’t let them own you. Forgive yourself, and believe in your ability to do better.

When things get tough, remember this mantra for yourself:

I am human and I make mistakes.
It is okay.
I forgive myself.
I am greater than my mistakes.
I grow from my experiences.
I am compassionate.
I am capable.