Channeling Anger

Anger is a common emotion when life is stressful, or when there are events happening in the world that are upsetting. I myself have had my fair share of anger and frustration over the last year especially. Often, we see anger as a toxic emotion—one that prevents us from being at peace and makes us feel uncomfortable and unhappy. Nobody likes the feeling of being unhappy and anger is a feeling that usually comes from something that is making us unhappy. But, anger can also be a tool to help us take action to fix the source of the unhappiness. It just may be difficult to figure out how to effectively direct it in a way that doesn’t harm others or ourselves.

I had a very frustrating day yesterday that was causing a lot of anger inside of myself. I tried hard not to lash out at others because of it—that doesn’t help anyone (though I may have failed once or twice). But, my anger sat inside me, festering all day, to the point where I was giving myself a tension headache and my patience was running very thin by the end of the day. After one too many times of throwing food, flooding the bathroom counter while washing hands, and refusals to put on pajamas at bedtime, I was no longer capable of being a rational and calm adult in front of my two-year-old. My husband heard the scream of frustration from me while downstairs in the kitchen where he was cleaning and came up to give me a much-needed break. After about ten minutes, my nerves started to calm down and I felt a bit better. Then, I spent a little time channeling all that energy I had pent up and used it toward working on one of my art projects.

This morning, I still felt a touch of anger in myself. I was still frustrated at how little I managed to get done the day before because of all of the events that prevented me from doing my work. I was getting up extra early to try to get something done before the kids woke up and I was tired and cranky. Every morning though, I spend the first twenty to thirty minutes of my day writing in a journal. This stream-of-consciousness writing is something I got from Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way called “morning pages”. I spent that first part of my morning while everyone was asleep writing out all of my anger and frustration from the events of the previous day. From there, the words just kept flowing, as I began to write more about my anger related to the state of the world. There was so much anger, I spent the entire thirty minutes just writing about all of the things that were making me angry. And then when I was done, I actually felt a lot better. No, it didn’t solve all the problems, but it took the edge off of the raw anger.

Anger can be a useful emotion that can propel us into action to make change. But, it’s hard to do that when the emotion is so raw and sharp that we don’t know how to direct it. First, putting that anger out in front of us in a form we can examine can be a very helpful step. In my case today, writing was my tool for placing my anger in front of me instead of welling up inside me. But, not everyone is comfortable using writing as a tool. Writing, drawing, playing music, talking with someone you trust like a partner or therapist, going for an intense run or other workout routine—these are all perfectly legitimate ways to get your raw anger out and into a manageable place. Then, we can really take a more careful look at the anger and be with it in a more peaceful way.

Once you’ve smoothed the raw edges of your anger through your activity and placed it in front of you, you can look at your anger and be with it.

The idea of being peaceful with your anger seems odd, but it’s actually a very common and effective technique mindfulness practitioners use. Using an activity to calm the raw nerves and then be able to sit with your anger can be very helpful. Once you’ve smoothed the raw edges of your anger through your activity and placed it in front of you, you can look at your anger and be with it. You may even want to close your eyes, breath deeply, and try to listen to what your anger is telling you. Treat it like a friend or your child you’re sitting and having a conversation with. Ask your anger where it’s coming from. Give it space to talk. This is where I find writing or talking very helpful, because we can begin to articulate what the anger is telling us. But, use whatever method works for you to get to the root.

From here, we can begin to make the changes that allow us to find happiness again. Sometimes the problem causing the unhappiness is as simple as, “I didn’t have enough time to get my work done because I needed more help handling the children today.” In which case, you may conclude after sitting with your anger, “I am going to set some boundaries for my family today and ask them to give me time between 5pm and 7pm to get my work done.” 

But, sometimes things are out of our control. The changes you make related to your anger may not directly affect the cause of the anger. However, we can change how we perceive and react to the cause. Perhaps your anger is something more like, “I’m really upset that so many people in this country are getting sick from Coronavirus.” In which case, it’s hard to make some direct impact changes. However, you can say, “I will meditate on good health and healing for the world and my family.” And of course, continue to be responsible and wear a mask and social distance. You may even want to remind others in your life of the importance of preventing the spread of the disease. The anger may not go away completely, but you are making changes to help your anger be more manageable and productive.

Anger is a natural response to stress and unhappiness that everyone experiences in their life. Even the most mindful and enlightened individuals feel this emotion. It’s part of the human experience. But, there are ways to work with our anger, be with it, and listen, so that we can use it productively. Your anger is your friend, or perhaps your small child. It is telling you it has needs and you need to listen. Soften the raw edges with an activity to place the anger in front of you, such as writing or drawing. Then, listen and work with your anger. It will tell you a lot about a situation and what you can do to change it or to change your perspective. Be kind to yourself and your anger. You are in this together.